Yes, it's that time again. I'm writing a long-ass review of an album.

( Review under the cut )

Okay, so as I look further and further into the future, the style of music I want to achieve with the next incarnation of Borealia is becoming clearer and clearer. I can visualize in my head exactly what I want to accomplish with my future band's first album. A lot of this is just technicalities that you, the average, non-musical human being, probably won't understand, but this could give you a good opportunity to get into my musical head, and figure out what's going on in there:

( Technicalities about my music and shiz that no one but me really cares about but me ;p )

This is Devin Townsend with his new signature series Peavey guitar.






And this is my $350 Peavey Predator, which is marketed towards people who need an RG-style shred machine on a small budget.



One of my IDOLS is now playing MY GUITAR. And my guitar isn't even that high-end. I THINK I RESPECT MY PEAVEY A LOT MORE NOW.

What would cause Wonderland to be giving me a Page Load Error from my computer, while I can access it just fine from everything else? I've restarted my computer, reset my router, cleared my cookies and history in Firefox and just tried Safari instead to make sure it wasn't just a browser issue.

I doubt my ISP has Invisionfree blocked, but you never know in this day and age. The thing that bothers me is that if I crack open my Blackberry and punch in some Wonderlandage, I can access it and post on it just fine. So it's definitely an ISP problem. It's nothing to do with the browser itself since I can't access from either Safari or Firefox.

Edit: I even decided to try a different port on my router. No luck. But it works when I access it from a proxy server. This is pretty worrisome.

I remember how I felt when I posted that entry way back then. Out of place, awkward, unintelligent, like I wasn't really a true part of the collective whole of Wonderland.

A lot has changed since then.

In the time since then, I've really felt that I've grown more of an attachment to Wonderland, and the people there. They've helped me through so many problems, offered me more advice than I've ever gotten from any counselor or parent-like authority figure, and have put up with all kinds of my whining, being crazy about one particular topic, joining bandwagons and the like. And you know what, even through all of the bad times I've had recently, Wonderland was always there, and they've always accepted me.

I feel that any bad blood that may have been between any of us on Wonderland is just... completely non-existent. While I may still have the occasional tiffs with members here and there over really silly things (and for the most part, this is Leslie, Kouzou, Kristin, Ryuu, Clinton. You know, my "social circle". And hell, fighting with friends is just way too commonplace XD), I don't feel that my stay there is painful or that I'm being pressured into being something I'm not just so I'll fit in. I don't see a post and think "did that guy just INSULT me? ;_;" anymore. I see a post, and I see the humour in it. When I'm caught with my pants down, it's better to laugh with myself than cower in a corner and accuse everyone of insulting me. If I can't laugh at myself, then can anyone else?

I've come to terms with the fact that I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed. I've also learned to accept the things that I am good in. I know that I'm an excellent musician, with a big heart, and a gentle demeanor (most of the time). Just because I can't open a book and define the longest word in it from memory, or calculate complex equations in my head doesn't mean that I'm good for nothing to nobody. I can use the knowledge and personality I do have to help people in my own way!

While I don't feel closer with Wonderland on a one-on-one personal level, I do feel a bit more like I am a true part of the team. And I thank each and every member of Wonderland, even the ones that don't post a lot, and the ones who don't generally get along with the others as well, for the experiences that I've share with all of you. Without you all, I can't imagine how the past two and a half years would have turned out for me. It feels like I owe you all one great debt of gratitude for changing me as a person, and for helping me in ways you can't even begin to understand. Thank you, all of you.

I belong.

It's funny how one is different online than in person, even when their personalities don't change a bit. Among my offline friends, I'm known for being the strong-willed, emotionally stable, witty, charming, yet somewhat cynical person I am. Even though, at times, I'm rather bitchy, and I tend to go off on a tangent about things that bother me, my friends love me for who I am. I'm also the most cultured one among my friends. I'm usually the one pulling off all the obscure jokes, the twisted sense of humour, the references that only myself and one other person in the world gets. And I'm also the most worldly one. Intelligent, down-to-earth, laid-back, yet determined. Among my friends, I feel not just accepted, but like my existence there counts for something. Like I can make a positive difference to the lives of those people.

On Wonderland, it's a different story. I'm accepted, and a lot of people consider me their friend there. However, I'm awkward. I feel like a layman. I don't get anything. Everyone else on Wonderland seems so much more cultured and worldly than I am. I look at my talents and my positive traits, and I see so few. The only knowledge I ever really feel comfortable about giving is music. I don't understand concepts like engineering or electronics or programming or gaming. I feel like a n00b. I try to be helpful to people, nice to my friends, and I see them living their lives with a clearer direction in life than mine. Kristin is devoted to her studies and wishes to go to the best college she can possibly get into, Ryuu is very intelligent, Josh is extremely talented with mechanical things, and Jason is a better guitarist and more comforting person than I could ever hope to be. I look at myself on Wonderland and think "that lauscho guy, he's really nothing special, is he?". Even though I have one of the top ten post counts there, I still feel like a background character who doesn't fit in. I don't feel the same way there that I do with my friends offline. I am nothing to Wonderland, really.

I sometimes wish I had never found the place. But then I think of the people there that have made me happy. Leslie, Starra, Clinton, Ryuu... and ESPECIALLY Kristin. And the other people there who have completely accepted me for who I am, like Josh, Tony, Benny... but for some reason, I feel lacking. I lack the social and academic intelligence to belong there.

I don't know what to do right now. ._.

Edit: My LJ is now Friends-Only. Leave a comment if you want in ^_^